Done

I am sick of suffering. I feel this everyday. I do stupid things like stare out of my window and gaze at the full moon and think to myself “oh if this was a wishing star it’d be nice to make a wish wouldn’t it? Like, I wish I was happy” 🙂

You’re 21 years old and pretending that the moon is a star. This isn’t an episode of Charmed, for Gawd’s sake, grow up Perks.

I’m trying to keep going regardless. Waking up, putting on some make up, getting to class early with my face all smiley and my bag all packed with the essentials. I’m looking for somewhere to eat so I head in to the SU bar and muse over what to eat, checking my phone as I do so. I can feel the dozens of chattering students’ eyes on me. Why is she by herself? What is she doing? I walk outside again, cross the food venues and check the menus. Nope, it’ll have to be my usual order at the SU bar again. So I head in and survey the scene, hoping to see a friendly face. I spot a girl I’m not too close to but is in the same sort of friendship circle that I tag along with in my Lit classes because I have no friends,

She sees me and moves her stuff off the sofa so I can sit down and suddenly I feel anxious. She’s quite a blunt sort of gal and I’m not even sure she wanted me to come and invade her personal space. I babble about looking for a friendly face and fix her a smile but the whole thing sounds stupidly lame. We sit for a bit and one of my other friends (who I am closer to) calls her and asks where she is. As she is directed to where we are sitting, I feel a tinge of sadness. It’s like these girls are in a group of their own, they always contact each other and arrange things and I am stuck on the outside in a despondent circle of fire. I wish I was confident enough to be part of someone’s inner circle. These girls have these inside jokes and shit and I’m not confident enough to wade in.

Class is ok. I sit next to the friend I’m closest to but I am again on the far edge so I can barely hear the whispering and musings said. It’s okay. I don’t know what’s going on anyway.

After class we go to the SU bar again and chill for a bit. I leave for the library after a while and sit by myself, reading Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. It’s a lovely book. 10/10 recommend.

I go home after a couple of hours or so. Tesco run to pick up some food. I’m a bit startled to see the girl in my lit class circle at the checkouts. I feel anxious because I know I don’t have much healthy food in my bag. I hope she’s not judging me. I know what you’re thinking. What a stupid thing to feel anxious about. But I’ve heard her talk about things and I wouldn’t put it past her to rate the contents of my shopping bag!

Go home. Watch Bojack Horseman. Feel depressed again. Go for a shower. Go over everything that happened in first year of university in my head again. Feel sad because the guy I used to call my best friend has changed a lot and our relationship has changed and he’s so busy we haven’t had a proper conversation since I got back from Australia. He used to be the only person who understood me and my mental health concerns. Now it’s got to the point where I feel a rush of anxiety texting him to meet up because its always me initiating it and I feel clingy as fuck. I know it’s not me entirely. He has explained he is concentrating on work most of the time and not really meeting up with anyone but still. I’m only asking for a few hours of his time. We used to be able to just meet up and talk and watch funny ass shows all the time. Now it almost feels like I’m begging him to meet me. I’m not asking to be saved. I just want to lessen the pain. But maybe he’s not the person to do it anymore. And in that case, who can really understand?

I go through the usual breakdown of worrying about final year and my grades. Earlier I bumped into a friend who got invited to a prestigious ‘Dean’s List’ dinner and it was because she excelled in her previous year. I feel shit again because I’m reminded that I didn’t do as well as I could have. Because of my fucked up mental and physical health. I know it’s not my fault. But at the end of the day I worked so hard. I have nothing to be proud of.

None of this makes sense, I know. It’s a stupid stream of consciousness shit. Not even bothering to check this post really. It’s just a buzz of angry thoughts and anxiety and sadness. Maybe I do have some sort of personality disorder. Either way, what’s the point of being alive if life is making me feel this shit?

 

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Perks guide to freshers: Do’s and Don’ts!

Okay, so some of of you may start university this September/October and may need some handy hints and tips. I am aware said post may be pretty late for some, most  but look okay I’ve been busy…I’m still writing about this past year in my drafts okay, cut me some slack…

So…drum roll please!! Here’s my guide to Freshers: the ultimate two weeks of beer chugging, excessive spending and general madness before you immerse yourself in lectures and reading lists.

  1. The first thing you do after you pack? Go and meet your flatmates obviously! You really don’t want to be known as the Awkward Annie that just cowered in their room the whole time…go say HI. GO. *gives you a little push*
  2. Keep a door wedge. It’ll prove handy.
  3. Don’t shit where you eat
  4. Don’t buy expensive kitchenware and cutlery. Shit will go missing. Trust me.
  5. First impressions do count but at the end of the year they will have completely overturned. My first impressions of everyone I met this year have nearly all changed and I’m still processing how I became best friends with the guy I thought would be a complete douche and grew fond of the dude I thought would be a chav.
  6. A student loan and overdraft is not a handout from the Gods. You will need to pay it back. Do not do what my friend did and spend £200 in make up. The debt will increase and increase and soon you’ll be living on Toast for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. And you won’t even have enough for butter.
  7. Don’t shit where you eat
  8. It’s normal to want to go all out and spend every day partying and in a drunken stupor so hard that you’ll be a burbling mess half the night but learn to take it easy too. Freshers flu is a thing. Look after yourself.
  9. If you don’t drink then don’t despair. There will be stuff going on for non drinkers: take advantage of them!
  10. It’s a good idea to get the academic stuff sorted out too by checking reading lists, making sure you’ve enrolled on your modules etc
  11. Don’t shit where you eat – no seriously, sleeping with a flatmate is the worst idea ever. Unless you want it to be awkward for the remainder of the year.
  12. Get involved in as much as you can!! Before you get overwhelmed with work!!
  13. Enjoy ya’self hunnies 🙂

It’s hard having anxiety

Take today, a typical day.

I had multiple anxious thoughts related to new situations/people today.

The day started out okay, I woke up and drank some tea while watching Regular Show. I really reccommend that show; it’s always fun watching the exploits of Mordecai and Rigby.

We were having some work done to the gas pipes in our house so there was no hot water that day. I decided to go have a shower at my Grandparents and so I went there and did just that. I was also going to go out later on so wanted to get back a bit earlier to get ready and do any outstanding errands so I told my Grandma I would leave soon. She told me she would be picking up my little sister and cousins soon from school.

“You should ask her if she needs help. Why are you just leaving her to cope with them on her own?”

So I also decided to pick them up too. It worked out well because my Grandma remembered she needed to go to the pharmacy and pick up some medicines so I was able to take home two of the munchkins while she went to the pharmacy with one of them.

Then I got home and started to get ready. I didn’t have as much time as I’d planned and didn’t get to do any additional housework/packing (for uni) as I would have liked and I was hit with thoughts of my mum coming home and berating me for not doing enough resulting in an unpleasant argument.

“Back me up if Mum complains” I tell my sister wearily as I leave the house.

I got to Starbucks and picked up a coffee on the way to meeting my friends. Then I tried to find the meeting place with not much luck but eventually found them. There was a small anxious moment where I thought they’d blame me for getting lost but I apologised and we got inside the place.

It was a lovely ping pong bar with a nice laid back vibe. We had fun playing and talking and the atmosphere was relaxed. One of me and my friend’s favourite things to do is tease our other friend about various things. He knows we’re joking and takes it all on with good humour so I feel safe in doing so. I remember bringing something up in relation to something we’d discussed before and one of my other friends was like “leave him alone” jokingly but it stayed with me:

she thinks you’re a bad person.”

I apologised to her afterwards and explained I hadn’t been teasing him that time but just referring to another conversation we’d had. I know I was overreacting and she hadn’t meant anything by it but I still felt the incessant need to apologise.

I’d bought my friends little souvenirs from Australia, where I’d just spent the year abroad. On the train home, I was having anxious thoughts about the presents I’d got them and if I’d gotten one of them a worse one than the rest. What if she took that as a sign I didn’t like her as much and felt hard done by?

I got home and chilled with my family although there was an air of nervousness when I first walked in, expecting to be chastised for something or the other. To my relief, I wasn’t. My sister asked me who I went with and I mumbled the name of my guy friend who I haven’t mentioned before.

“Why are you saying it so quietly?” she asked, annoyed.

I don’t like it when she hangs on to my every word and wants to know everything but I’m trying to be more chilled out about that. Now I’m paranoid that I came across as the opposite of that. I’ll try and mention him again tomorrow.

Me and my parents were talking and I mentioned if my Dad could call his health insurance provider tomorrow as I need to see a surgeon for a minor op but the NHS take ages so I wanted to see if I could get it done privately. I was nervously waiting to see if he’d mention seeing a psychologist again like he did last time but he didn’t, thank the lords. It always feels unnatural when my Dad talks about mental health.

So that’s a day in the life of an anxiety ridden person, lol. Fun times eh?

Disclaimer: these were not the only anxious thoughts I had today. Just the ones I can be bothered to write.

 

Emma Blackery Book Signing

Sassy British Youtuber and Musician Emma Blackery released her first book on the 7th September titled ‘Feel Good 101’ – I want to rave about how amazing it is and her how equally great her book tour is as I had the pleasure of attending.

Emma has been one of my favourite YouTubers to date; her stringent, sarcastic coinage of phrases such as ‘I have girl balls’ and her ability to be brash about her flaws and her fuck ups. So when she announced she was doing a book tour a few months back, I jumped at the chance to see her and excitedly booked tickets for the London Piccadilly date.

I got to the Waterstones store and queued up, waiting for the doors to open for the room in which the Q&A would take place. Taking in all the excited young teenagers with brightly coloured hair and pastel t-shirts, I knew that there were a lot more people than just me who were pretty hyped to see Emma tonight.

We were hustled in and I took my seat and the shiny new book that was handed to me as I walked in.

When Emma entered the room there were excited ‘whoops’ and ‘ooohs’ as she took her seat at the front. Luckily, I had an aisle seat and could witness all the action from a pretty good view. The Q&A began and questions about her book, her experiences writing it and her influences arose. What had the process been like? Would she do a sequel?

I loved the fact that she was so candid and conversational throughout. I know that many Q&A’s are based upon that premise but Emma wasn’t just focused on professionalism but being also being honest and open and that was one of the primary focuses of her book.

After the Q&A, Emma began her book signings. A small group of excited teens began singing her songs in the midst of it and the Waterstones staff looked at each other with bemused expressions. As I became next in line, I handed my book to her and had a sort of stage fright moment not knowing what to say in these two minutes that would cement our (second)(more about that later) meeting.

“Hi, how are you?” she asks

“Fine! How are you?” I babbled.

“Mentally exhausted” she answered calmly, taking my book.

“Were you part of the singing?” she asked?

“No, I-my vocal chords weren’t up to that” I answered, nervously...(what the hell was I going on about lol)

“I’ve had people do that in gigs for me but never in Waterstones” she commented, delighted.

I forgot to give my phone to the ‘camera guy’ (stand in Waterstones staff) and there was an awkward moment where they had to ask me for it in the middle of this conversation.

“I just want to say, I have anxiety and your videos have really helped me” I put in as I took my book back.

“I’m really glad to hear that, there’s a section in my book about anxiety” she answers.

“Have a great day” she calls after me as I walk away.

“You too” I answer back, robotically as she turns to her next fan, flashing a smile.

The whole experience was small but sweet. Meeting Emma was a lovely, whole hearted experience.

Emma’s Channel

 

I am a lemon.

Or at least, the very embodiment of bitterness.

I guess as a child I was just forced to accept everything in my life. The bits that didn’t make sense and the unfair treatment. It caused anger. It really did – as I could tell from my old diary entries, scribbled angrily in black biro, so hard that I could almost feel the words tearing through the page. But I still put up with it. Because it was normal? There was no reason for me to think any differently, I guess. It’s not like I could do anything about it anyway, sometimes people are just forced to accept their life because there’s not a thing they can really do about it other than endure it.

It’s now though in my (not very) adult life that all the resentment comes spiralling away at me and now I’m forced to endure the thoughts rather than push them away. Dad, why did you always knock me down when I wasn’t up to begin with? Why did you highlight all my flaws and mistakes? I know I wasn’t a perfect child. I know that. But you seemed to love reiterating that to the point where now it’s all I think about.

Mum why did you terrify me to the point where I was scared of coming home? A place that was supposed to be my solace, my comfort, my shelter. But I’d rather escape to Granddad and Grandma’s. Who’d cook me nice food and make me feel so comfortable, I just wanted to pause time and let the smells of Parathas and the warmth of my Grandma’s hands. But I had to go home at some point. Had to come back to reality.

Gabz why did you leave me? After all I did for you, I put your wellbeing over everything. Including my own sanity. My grades. My health. Yet, you ignored my calls and your replies were cold. I’m glad you’re happy. I am. I wish I could be that happy too. But I can’t because of all the fucked up stuff that happened. I had to keep pretending for your sake. But now that I’m over the edge, it’s nice to see that you could speak so icily to me while I tried my best to keep you warm with my heat.

I really resent a lot of people now. I didn’t deal with the resentment when it happened because that’s what I do. I push away the feelings that make me angry at people and I try to love them with all my heart. Because I believe in love,love,love. I almost want to drown people with my treacly, sweet, sickening vat of love. Just be nice, Perks. Just be nice. Love, Perks, love with all my heart. But that’s the trouble see? Even love has it’s limits – sometimes it tips over and the heart goes black, the bread goes stale and the love dies.

I am a lemon, after all.

Thoughts I had this week

  1. I love identifying with fictional characters. Of course, one of these characters is Jane The Virgin. Who is experiencing a crisis because she isn’t sure whether to stick with teaching or pursue writing. Hey ho, similar crisis. (WHAT AM I DOING WHEN I GRADUATE?!?!?!) 🙂
  2. My doctor looks like a cross between Michael in Jane The Virgin and Ed Sheeran.
  3. This doesn’t mean I fancy him.
  4. Although doctors are pretty good looking in Adelaide, well as far as the consensus goes…
  5. I don’t really want to think about how much time I have spent watching Jane The Virgin instead of writing my essay on postcolonial literature
  6. I’m sick of being emotionally unstable
  7. Feeling so damn angry all the time at everyone and everything
  8. When will the fucking happy pills work???
  9. I’m done, I just want to play games and ignore everyone, please can Uni just fuck off.
  10. *acknowledges that friend went through a hard time recently in having her depression worsen* *said friend starts laughing at her for no reason and refuses to speak seriously*
  11. *Constantly feels annoyed at friend for instances where she was treated badly but refuses to tell her*
  12. Well this list has gone on a bit…