I am a lemon.

Or at least, the very embodiment of bitterness.

I guess as a child I was just forced to accept everything in my life. The bits that didn’t make sense and the unfair treatment. It caused anger. It really did – as I could tell from my old diary entries, scribbled angrily in black biro, so hard that I could almost feel the words tearing through the page. But I still put up with it. Because it was normal? There was no reason for me to think any differently, I guess. It’s not like I could do anything about it anyway, sometimes people are just forced to accept their life because there’s not a thing they can really do about it other than endure it.

It’s now though in my (not very) adult life that all the resentment comes spiralling away at me and now I’m forced to endure the thoughts rather than push them away. Dad, why did you always knock me down when I wasn’t up to begin with? Why did you highlight all my flaws and mistakes? I know I wasn’t a perfect child. I know that. But you seemed to love reiterating that to the point where now it’s all I think about.

Mum why did you terrify me to the point where I was scared of coming home? A place that was supposed to be my solace, my comfort, my shelter. But I’d rather escape to Granddad and Grandma’s. Who’d cook me nice food and make me feel so comfortable, I just wanted to pause time and let the smells of Parathas and the warmth of my Grandma’s hands. But I had to go home at some point. Had to come back to reality.

Gabz why did you leave me? After all I did for you, I put your wellbeing over everything. Including my own sanity. My grades. My health. Yet, you ignored my calls and your replies were cold. I’m glad you’re happy. I am. I wish I could be that happy too. But I can’t because of all the fucked up stuff that happened. I had to keep pretending for your sake. But now that I’m over the edge, it’s nice to see that you could speak so icily to me while I tried my best to keep you warm with my heat.

I really resent a lot of people now. I didn’t deal with the resentment when it happened because that’s what I do. I push away the feelings that make me angry at people and I try to love them with all my heart. Because I believe in love,love,love. I almost want to drown people with my treacly, sweet, sickening vat of love. Just be nice, Perks. Just be nice. Love, Perks, love with all my heart. But that’s the trouble see? Even love has it’s limits – sometimes it tips over and the heart goes black, the bread goes stale and the love dies.

I am a lemon, after all.

Thoughts I had this week

  1. I love identifying with fictional characters. Of course, one of these characters is Jane The Virgin. Who is experiencing a crisis because she isn’t sure whether to stick with teaching or pursue writing. Hey ho, similar crisis. (WHAT AM I DOING WHEN I GRADUATE?!?!?!) 🙂
  2. My doctor looks like a cross between Michael in Jane The Virgin and Ed Sheeran.
  3. This doesn’t mean I fancy him.
  4. Although doctors are pretty good looking in Adelaide, well as far as the consensus goes…
  5. I don’t really want to think about how much time I have spent watching Jane The Virgin instead of writing my essay on postcolonial literature
  6. I’m sick of being emotionally unstable
  7. Feeling so damn angry all the time at everyone and everything
  8. When will the fucking happy pills work???
  9. I’m done, I just want to play games and ignore everyone, please can Uni just fuck off.
  10. *acknowledges that friend went through a hard time recently in having her depression worsen* *said friend starts laughing at her for no reason and refuses to speak seriously*
  11. *Constantly feels annoyed at friend for instances where she was treated badly but refuses to tell her*
  12. Well this list has gone on a bit…

 

Just the little things

I saw something yesterday which made me feel an ounce of happiness in the jet black cave that is my mind, so I wanted to share it with you guys.

It’s something so miniscule and flippant that I don’t even know why, but it made my day. I was walking into University with my coffee (correction – liquid of brewed disappointment and sewage) when I saw one of my tutors walking past.

I haven’t mentioned her before but she is one of my current girl crushes. Passionate about Victorian literature and her fashion is always so ‘on point’ that I can’t help but marvel at whatever outfit she is sporting. She always looks a pretty picture.

Crushed red velvet blazer. Patchwork. Gothic shirt. Dayum. I almost want to pull up a chair after the seminar and ask her if she’s ever thought about modelling in Vogue. Or well, maybe not Vogue as they seem to favour Gigi Hadid whereas she’s more Helena Bonham Carter (with even more of an edge!). But y’know, somewhere with style.

Anyway I saw her walking outside one of the buildings holding hands with this other woman. They were both smiling and chatting happily. My lecturer looked happy. This woman looked happy. It just shows the power of love you know? It’s simple and you may be thinking “who cares?” but just seeing her all perked made me a bit happy. As supporter of homosexuality it made me happy. Relationship PDA? Yeah it’s normal and something you see a lot. But seeing one of your teachers in PDA? That’s different. Also, you don’t often see Gay or Lesbian PDA all that frequently? Why is that? Society is so conditioned to think of Gay or Lesbian PDA as uncommon so we feel more surprised when we see it in real life. But one day maybe it’ll be as normal as Hetero PDA. I’m happy that my lecturer was confident enough and happy enough to showcase her relationship without a care in the world. Love truly does conquer all.

Yes I’m cheesy and soppy and bleh. But it was something small which brightened my day. 🙂

Codeine bae

Gosh I’m lonely.

Gosh, I’m lonely, I think as I sit typing this at 22:40 on a Wednesday night with another rerun in the background to keep me riveted for a mere 39 minutes or so until I feel another stab in my chest. Which show is it this time? Misfits, ah a classic.

I’ve just popped another painkiller to keep the awful ache at bay. I’m waiting until the blissfullness of it hits me and I relish in it’s warm, relaxed sensations. Codeine Phosphate, I do love you.

I’m in Australia, land of kangaroos and yet the glammer has gone out of my fun filled goon* lifestyle. My thoughts tell me how unhappy I feel at the moment. Yet I also feel like anyone who hasn’t seen what I’ve been dealing with would label me a ‘selfish bitch’, or words to that extent. Well I’m trying to be positive. But I’ve been hospitalised six times since I’ve been here. Which has knocked me down. That’s the thing about chronic illness – it can come out of nowhere and knock you down with a sledgehammer. Intense pain and illness means I stop going out. Lose interest in things. Which means I’m back to square one. In bed, barely eating. I can’t go out to socialise. I can’t make it to university, which means a drop in grades. Which means pressure. Depression is gnawing away at me. Every spare second I have must be spent on trying to study. I say try because inevitably I fail. Hey, look at my blog title.

I feel more dissasociated now. Spaced out and I start reevaluating everything. I’m angry again and the nightmares come back. I start to let things get to me. I feel emotionally unstable as images come back to haunt me. I’m so unhappy. Lonely too. I only really have one person who I feel comfortable opening up to back at home about all this shit in my head. I start to feel angry that one of my ‘best’ friends won’t ever care enough – that I can’t open up to her because she’s let me down in the past. She doesn’t bother to chase after me or go the extra mile for me. I reevaluate our entire friendship. I can only recall her apologising to me once. Then I feel angry because I’m too angry. It’s all a cycle.

I also feel angry about this blog. I make out writing is my passion and I suppose it is. But why am I struggling so much to write on here?? I can’t get my words out sometimes. I want to be organised and not just write emotional shit. I want to go back to the same witty, sarcastic humour I frequented on previous posts.

Let’s escape

The thing with depression is that it sorta creeps up on you. It might start off like a stranger muttering things in your ear. You wave it off, perplexed that an alien object is attempting to provide an insight into things it knows nothing about. You know you’re in control. Telling something to fuck off is no biggie, no issue at all. But then it becomes a passing visitor, providing commentary on your life.

Why did you say it like that you big idiot? She’s clearly not impressed, look at her judging you.” 

You tell the voice to shut up, what do they know? You feel panicked and anxious now though. All of a sudden, the voice encompasses your thoughts and it’s a part of you. Every one of your actions is weighed down by it, breathing down your neck and draining the life out of you until you feel soulless, devoid of any existence. It tells you what to think. It tells you how to act. You don’t feel like there’s any point in living like this, second guessing your every move and emotion. You’re suspicious of everyone. No one understands. Everything fucking hurts. When will it end? You just want a sliver of happiness to pull you out of this slump. But you keep failing at everything.

Hi, I’d like to get an engineer for my broken life?

I have no money.

I’ve probably got very shitty exam results.

Still feel like I have yet to meet people who I can actually rely on and travel with instead of worrying frantically about the fact that summer is in a few weeks time and I have nothing planned.

My room is currently a mess.

I need shoes and clothes but yet again, no money.

I’ve spent the whole of today in bed.

I feel lonely and shit and I’m dreading next week when all my work’s finished and I have time to dwell on the fact that I still haven’t succeeded in getting a job and therefore no money and…you get the drill?

In other words, I have a bit of a broken life that I’d like some help with…if only there was someone I could call.

*Cue Ghostbusters theme tune*

Sorry.

I’m struggling to much to find a job and time is ticking away. If anyone could hire me then that would be lovely.

#2 Loneliness Kills.

I am so heart shatteringly lonely. It hits me every day that I have no one here that I can tell about the thoughts that run through my mind each day and the fact that my heart is always beating BOOM-BOOM-BOOM because I’m in a permanent state of panic and dysfunction each day. I see Facebook statuses, Snapchats and Instagrams each day of peope hanging out with their ‘squads’ and I think “why can’t that be me?”. I don’t understand how people had already formulated their own clique within a month of being here. Am I doing something wrong here? I knew I was shy and socially awkward at times but I didn’t think I was THAT terrible at making friends. I’m really struggling to find close friends here and as time is ticking by I’m realising I don’t have solid plans to travel with people. Everyone’s planning way in advance what they want to do in the holidays and who they want to do it with and I’m just struggling to even ask people for a cup of coffee.

The loneliness is a literal weight on my chest at times. I spend most of my time alone. When I’m in my room watching Netflix I feel it. When I’m at uni trying to kill time before my next lecture I feel it. And when I’m watching people go on adventures that I could be going on I feel it. I just want to do things and have fun with lovely open minded people but instead I’m feeling incredibly isolated and hating myself for not possessing a more fun personality which will make people instantly attracted to me. It’s desperation that compels me to go google things like “How to make friends” or even scour website ‘MeetUp’ in the hope that I will be able to fill this hole.